And I am Still Missing You

First the background. I lost my sister 8 years ago. Her birthday is 2 days from now. She would have been 37. That is what my mother said to me last night when I spoke to her on the telephone - which is our tradition - everynight at 9 regardless of the time zone.

I knew her birthday was coming..... it comes the same time every year.......I knew why she said it.....but it made it no less hard to hear. We have done this every year for the past 8 years. It still does not make it easier to hear This year.... no different....I start going back to the darkness of my grief.....the redness of my anger.........the pink and green we both wore so proudly..........the gray of my mood.........the muticolor of my funk.......but it still made it no easier to hear.

We have done this every year for the past 8 years. The next thing that will occur is calling my dad to not talk about it. To just check on him, as that is my responsibility as the oldest. He will be cool. cheerful. and will not say one word about the big ass elephant in the room. We have done it for the past 8 years. It still does not make it easier to not hear.

Then I will talk to my baby brother. We will chit chat about daily life stuff, in that hushed tone that he speaks in , that most days is hard to hear. He will say something like "you know Kaye Puff's birthday is coming up". I 'll acknowledge it. then we will move on to the rest of the chit chat, and end the conversation more quickly, as I see him more frequently now. We have done it for 8 years. It doesn't make it any easier to hear.

Then I will contemplate whether I will make mention of it to my children. My daughter remembers her Te Te. My son only knows her name, and may be able to recognize a picture. My daughter, who is the spitting image of my sister, who carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, who is so in touch with her grief that she will instantly begin to cry and reminensce, will take a few days to recover if she hears it again. i contemplate every year. I have done it for the past 8 years.

Do I want to have my child feeling those feelings today? We have done this dance for 8 years. It doesnt make it any easier to hear and not say. i will call my mother, probably more than once on my sister's birthday. At first, she will try to sound brave. She will ask how I am doing. I will feind strength because that is what I do. She will become quiet - maybe the first or second phone call. She will be crying but not wanting me to know that she is. She will be hurting, and the only comfort I have for her is the acknowledgement. Me too mom. We have done it for eight years. It still doesnt make it any easier to hear.

Differently this year, I will be driving down some of the same streets my sister drove down, as I am in the city she once lived in. I will turn the same corners, stop at the same traffic lights, play the same radio station, and cry the same tears. i cry alone, in my car when I am driving, because that is what i do. I have done it for the past 8 years. it doesnt make it any easier to feel.

Love you Kaye Puff. I know u are still here.