When All Else Fails?

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter what you did, nothing seemed to be working out? You do all the right things; work hard, take care of family, act responsibly as a citizen, give back to the community, steadfastly adhere to your faith, and things still seem not to go as planned? You find yourself short of money; having difficulties on the job; disconcerted in your relationships; struggling on all fronts. What's worse, you begin to wonder if faith in a higher power is enough? If prayers really are answered...... if anyone is listening at all!

At that very moment, when you feel like you can't take another step, make another decision, go on any further, STOP! BE STILL!! TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!

Know that when you are at your wits end, there's someone there with a surplus of wit.
Know that when you can't go on, there's someone operating on your behalf.
Just know, when you feel like you can't take one more step, there is someone who has already walked the path for you.

You are never alone. When all else fails, be still and look up!

Reflected Gifts

What are reflected gifts?

I have given this concept, this philosophy, this thought process, a lot of consideration. Like many contemplative thoughts, they occur in the middle of the night; causing you to startle from sleep, and keeping you from returning until such time as you do something with this nocturnal disturbance.

Through life experiences, mine and others, I have contemplated the concept of gifts. I think we all have them, gifted to us at a time before we were conceived. Almost predetermined. Predestined. Not in a scary kind of way, but in the true nature of a gift.

When gifts are recognized and acknowledged by the person who holds them, it is like a child who opens the best gift they have ever received; and they play with the gift incessantly...... at least for a while; until the next gift manifests itself.

That is how some of us have managed the gifts with which we have been bestowed. We are excited about their discovery, like a new toy. But the feeling lasts only as long as the toy seems new. Then we find ourselves eagerly awaiting the next new toy. The next gift.

But the gifts that have been bestowed upon us, that lie within us, are not quite like toys. They are more like seeds that need to be nurtured, watered, fed; Cultivated, contemplated, and given significant consideration. That seed, that thought, that innate and even divine ability can become something magnificent; but only if cared for properly.

It is only when we have properly cultivated our inherent gifts that those gifts can then be reflected; mirrored; transmitted to others .........and at the same time, reflected back to ourselves.

The gift that is reflected in the mirror is the gift of you. Cultivate it into something spectacularly brilliant!!

My Babies Daddy

Who would have thought Iwould have a babies daddy
the one who was never supposed to marry.
the one who never saw
the white picket fence ,the minivan, in my future
for me that was no draw
But I do,
well I did
until He decided it was time to rid
me of the obviously unwanted baggage that was my spouse
at first it was good,
then he became a louse
A louse and a lousy drunk,
who stunk like the local 15th street drunk.
And i try not to curse the dead,
but it's hard when I think about all the mess you left
ignorant m@#$%$#@ retard.
And to think
I was once under the impression
that I mattered to you
and was part of your vision for a wonderful life together
you and me,
and oh of course the baby made three well four,
cause right after you left
I had your son,
in grief at your behest
Well they thought I should be gieving tis true
but I couldn't cry over someone who became less like you.
I did cry
but not because I was sad
at least not for myself
but for my daughter's dad.
because she honestly loved you
as only a child could
and she loved you and she always would.
But my son would never know you
maybe thats bad but maybe it's good.
He will never know
the disappointment you had become to me,
but I was not the only one
..... to yourself
and I am sure
that is why you always threatened that you wanted to die.
And I guess I could have been
more sympathetic
and tried to understand
when you had that damn bottle in your hand
that you were far more disappointed
in yourself
more than I could be in anyone else.
but I was mad as hell
and often told you
to just get it over with
and please do the do
cause I was sick of hearing you cry
and scream and lie....
Lie to me to my face
about the man who now stood
in my real husbands place.
cause there is no way
I would have married a man like you
and then to carry your babies
in my womb
and encourage their growth
knowing their father was screwing it up for us both.
But you made it easy
one night..
yes you did...
when you drunk too much
got in the car and did skid
on some black ice
that of course you didn't see
because at that time
you were not thinking of me
or us three
or the fourth one to be.
Oh that's right,
you knew about him
before you left on that cold december night
with Jack Daniels on your breath.
Yes,
he got here okay
without help from you
or your crazy ass momma
who tried to stand in your place
at my bedside
and go along for the wonderful ride
of the birth of MY son,
I bore with pride.
Some thought he was born in grief
but that was far from true
he would never know you
boo hoo boo hoo.
I dont mean to be flip,
well yes I do
Cause you left an atocious mess
for me to clean up
9 months pregnant
and fed up with your mother's rantings
and your families lies
that you died
trying to make ends for the baby inside.
they had no idea
that you were really trying to be cool,
and I mean bad
bad in the sense that you decided to cheat
and step out on me,
in my condition
......swollen feet.
but I am getting ahead of myself
because I didn't find out about her
until after you left.........
after your death.......
Revenge is sweet
it has often been said
but I know first hand
when the obit was read
Read over the phone
to the trick you were seein
on the side
and to whose house
you were creepin.
She called a few days after you died
and I had the pleasure of makin her cry
that's right,
the trick cried
when I told her
oh by the way
the bastard your calling
is over at St John's Memorial rest
where he's sleeping,
and now you are on the phone weeping
weeping for a man you didn't even know
who lied and told you that he had to go
to get his mind right
because I was at home
not supporting him
and he was feeling alone.
And you believed it.
you believed all of it to be true
and decided to step out with a man
you knew was married
What kind of a sister are u?
And when I told you,
you wanted to hang up the phone
and disconnect the call
that you meant for the ears
of the wreck that was my husband.
My husband, trick!!!!
mine not yours
although I would have glady given him to you
for sure
because he was not the man i married
and who's children I carried.
Oh he didn't tell you
that I was with child
not just pregnant,
but bearing his child
the child he would never see
because he wanted to mess with a woman like me
and go out to the club
and get drunk
and skid
on black ice
it was just his luck.
Who would have thought
that a woman like me
would have a babies daddy
her son would never see
because of the kind of home he came from
with a mom who kept him under her thumb.
I thought at some point
he would break away
I thought at some point he would finally say
to hell with that crazy witch
and decide to be a real husband
and of course provide for his new family
including me,
and oh by the way
the baby makes three.
i would count to four
but you would never know that for sure
cause you died days before your son was born.
You left and failed to warn me
that you had not taken care of business
you see
cause you left me with bills and babies.
And your mother
who is like no other
cause God could not tell the same cruel joke twice
and allow another person to have such a life
a life filled with hate
and torment
and hell
that she tried to pass on
even after you bailed
out on your family
because you were weak
and couldn't stand up on your own two feet.
And be the man who i married
and who's children I carried.
We stood at the alter together
and promised that forever we would be together
but you lied,
I found out sometime later
that you had made promises greater than you were able to fulfill.
and still......
I try not to curse the dead
as you lay in the grave with a stone over your head
that your mother bought some three years later
and tried to make it seem that her love for you was greater
than it really was.
Because if she loved you like she pretended to
then she would not continue to do the things she do
like try to make my life a living hell
and continue to tell
the lies to herself
that I had something to do with the end that was only found by you.
And let's not forget your friend Jack
who you determined would always have your back
because you picked him over me
and that became your wife
you were destined to be friends forever
even in death
as the stink of that alcohol
is still on your breath.
And I try not to curse the dead
but it is hard
when my son has to see your face like a card
instead of seeing you in person
he only looks at a picture
that was once took when we were much happier
you and me
before baby made three.
Who would have ever thought
I would have a babies daddy
and who I would marry
and who's babies I would carry.
And I made a promise
if only to myself
that they would never miss your ass
or ever have stress because they didn't have a daddy,
it's true I wouldn't want them to have a daddy like you.
You didn't deserve the children you got
they are strong and beautiful
and like you their not
not because they dont' know you
but more because they won't do you.
And whatever I have to do
to overcompensate for the absence of you
I will do.
The other part that's true
is that God saved you
from my leaving you
Yes i would have left your ass had you lived
because you failed me
and did give me a life that I was not used to
the drinking,
the suicide,
oh i forgot,
you punked out of that too.
We were leading seperate lives in the same house
but I refused to be quiet as a mouse
I told you in no uncertain terms
that I wouldn't sleep with you
hell... you may have had germs
from that trick you had started
to step out with.
She may have given you a gift.
A gift i wanted no part of
like i no longer wanted any part of you
...there was no love.
Who would have ever thought
that i would have had a babies daddy
that I would marry
and who's children I would carry.
Secretly i thank you for making it easy
to not have to fight you and be queasy
because you would have fought me tooth and nail
and I would have cursed youto hell .
you saved me from fighting for visitation
and from hatin you more than I aready do
or did
or do
who would have ever thought
I would have married a man like you?
Not me.....
and I didn't
because I was un witting ly decieved
by the truth of the past
when we had love
a love that would last
or so i thought
when your ticket I bought.
It could have been sooo goood
if you had only stood
up to your mother
and any other person who would come between you and your family.
But you were weak and depressed,
and eventually you would take matters into your own hands.
And get behind the wheel of the truck
that you totalled one night in December
that road,
that night,
I will always remember.
And boy I was pissed
when they tried to make me responsible
for the mess you left me with
the bill for the truck I didn't even drive
when you were alive.
And i couldn't drive it when you left
cause you totalled it at your own behest.
I try not to curse you
it's true
but I still do
cause i wasn't suppose to have a babies daddy
who i would marry
and who's children I would carry.


It wasn't supposed to be me.

And I am Still Missing You

First the background. I lost my sister 8 years ago. Her birthday is 2 days from now. She would have been 37. That is what my mother said to me last night when I spoke to her on the telephone - which is our tradition - everynight at 9 regardless of the time zone.

I knew her birthday was coming..... it comes the same time every year.......I knew why she said it.....but it made it no less hard to hear. We have done this every year for the past 8 years. It still does not make it easier to hear This year.... no different....I start going back to the darkness of my grief.....the redness of my anger.........the pink and green we both wore so proudly..........the gray of my mood.........the muticolor of my funk.......but it still made it no easier to hear.

We have done this every year for the past 8 years. The next thing that will occur is calling my dad to not talk about it. To just check on him, as that is my responsibility as the oldest. He will be cool. cheerful. and will not say one word about the big ass elephant in the room. We have done it for the past 8 years. It still does not make it easier to not hear.

Then I will talk to my baby brother. We will chit chat about daily life stuff, in that hushed tone that he speaks in , that most days is hard to hear. He will say something like "you know Kaye Puff's birthday is coming up". I 'll acknowledge it. then we will move on to the rest of the chit chat, and end the conversation more quickly, as I see him more frequently now. We have done it for 8 years. It doesn't make it any easier to hear.

Then I will contemplate whether I will make mention of it to my children. My daughter remembers her Te Te. My son only knows her name, and may be able to recognize a picture. My daughter, who is the spitting image of my sister, who carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, who is so in touch with her grief that she will instantly begin to cry and reminensce, will take a few days to recover if she hears it again. i contemplate every year. I have done it for the past 8 years.

Do I want to have my child feeling those feelings today? We have done this dance for 8 years. It doesnt make it any easier to hear and not say. i will call my mother, probably more than once on my sister's birthday. At first, she will try to sound brave. She will ask how I am doing. I will feind strength because that is what I do. She will become quiet - maybe the first or second phone call. She will be crying but not wanting me to know that she is. She will be hurting, and the only comfort I have for her is the acknowledgement. Me too mom. We have done it for eight years. It still doesnt make it any easier to hear.

Differently this year, I will be driving down some of the same streets my sister drove down, as I am in the city she once lived in. I will turn the same corners, stop at the same traffic lights, play the same radio station, and cry the same tears. i cry alone, in my car when I am driving, because that is what i do. I have done it for the past 8 years. it doesnt make it any easier to feel.

Love you Kaye Puff. I know u are still here.

Jealousy by Any other Name......

Jealousy has been called by a lot of names
but the one I hear makes them all the same.
The green eyed monster it is often called,
for those who wish to see me fall.

Jealousy has been called by a lot of names,
but the one I hear makes them all the same.
This monster has gotten the best of you
to make you do the things you do.

Jealousy has been called by a lot of names,
but the one I hear makes them all the same.
The monster within has a light that shines
that shows just how you are inclined.

Jealousy has been called by a lot of names,
but the one I hear makes them all the same.
The monster grows and devours it's true
the monster that grows inside of you.

Jealousy has been called by a lot of names,
but the one I hear makes them all the same.
I wasn't sure, at first, it's true
that the real monster really is you.

Representation

You should be ashamed of yourself for being such a poor representation of a man.
You have a family that depends on you, as only they can.
Having a feeble wife and a sickly child,
The bags under her eyes take away her smile.

She has a job, and is raising your boys,
While you sit in the lab playing with big boy toys.
And she has to continuously hear the accolades of your mother
Who’s breast you still suckle even though you are older.

Too old for the meaningless life you lead
Seeking higher knowledge while your family bleeds.
From a place that is deep and is full of regret
Because of the choices that were made at your behest.

You should be ashamed because you are not holding up your end
Of the bargain that was struck after she was your friend.
And became your wife and bore your three sons
On the promise that one day she’d be the one
Who didn’t have to work so hard for the future
That she would be the one relaxing for sure.
That she could devote herself soley
To the tasks she signed on for, to love you only.

You should be ashamed of yourself for being such a poor representation of a man.
For striking out at yet another woman.
One who you underestimated and tried to upstage
And found yourself levelled by her intellectually charged rage .
The one you tried to patronize
In the presence of others
Who you, when convenient, consider your brothers.
But she called you the coward you are by name
And took none of the blame
For your poor representation As a father, a man, and in this situation
The defender of your pitiful wife,
Eyes swollen, shaken, and filled with strife
Because she signed on the dotted line
Of a contract that you have obviously left behind
Because you are too busy trying to be
The doctor that your mother needs so desperately to see.

But when it all is said and done
And I have truly achieved,
You will still be sitting in the lab .......
And your wife will still be wishing for things she never had.
Cause you really only represent you
The truest you, tried and true.
And you will never be anything more
Than an illusion of a man
Who has the chore
Of attending to a woman
who has faith in you no more.

Man or Mouse?

Are you a man or a mouse?
Who lives in the house
That was built by your spouse,
Because you are such a louse?

Are you a man or a punk?
Wrist bent and talking junk.
Frontin like you aint really a punk?

Are you a man or a boy?
Continuing to play with toys
Failing to rear your own three boys
Who fail to see their mothers joy?

Are you a man or a kid?
Trying to rid Yourself of the guilt of the things you did
And making a pitiful bid
On a lifestyle that’s big.

Are you a man or your mother’s son?
The one That she leans on to be the SUN
That sheds light on the other ones?

I know who you really are
A fake and a punk and a fallen star
And a lousy husband and father, by far.
Riddled with jealousy and envy and a scar
Because you finally realize what you really are.